Dear Little Miss Special: You missed an exam last week. It is now finals period. I offered you a makeup exam time. You "had to see." Now you're declining your final option because that's "when your biology study group meets." Well, sweetheart, the endoplasmic reticulums may wiggle, but they will not wiggle for you tomorrow. Your ass will be in my office in the Department of Fondant and Pastry at 9am, or you will receive a failing grade.Dear Skateboarding Schmuck: Today it was warm. Warm and sunny. You might not have been taking an exam, but my fifty five sweating Fondant Molders were smashing their brains against the impossible tasks I set before them in the final exam. Every time you rolled by our windows shouting "woo-hoo!" or whatever other inanities might be escaping your lips, I cringed. Finally, I took my industrial-sized pastry bag outside and said "Pilgrim, you're causin' a lot of trouble. Now, I might not fondant you in the eyeball. I might not...like hell I won't!" I did not fondant you in the eyeball. I could have lived, however, without the dirty looks and grumbling when I asked you to be considerate of your peers.
Dear Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum: Your matching color-block bathing suits and ball-caps are quite fetching. However...you might want to consider a bit less flesh. Just a bit.
Dear Chakra-Misaligned Carpooler: Your new diet is not helping your gastrointestinal distress, and your body continues to give off the scent of trapped weasel and...is that fermented cabbage?
Dear Student With Epilepsy: Jesus, I'm really sorry you had a seizure. I'm not mad at you at all. Ummmm, I guess we're all lucky that my extensive training in Modeling Fondant for Medical Display Purposes allowed me to recognize your seizure as a seizure and not as you screwing around. But HOLY FREAKING CRAP YOU HAD A SEIZURE TWO MINUTES INTO MY EXAM!!
At present, that is all.
Onward!
E.C.E.
I thought, from the title that you were going to include some Teacher Appreciation Week Pastry.
ReplyDeleteI've heard that seizures can be brought on by stressful situations, especially exams. This person probably should have talked to Disability Services.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you want to bet one of the other snowflakes blames his/her low grade on the exam on trauma/distraction/whatever caused by the seizure?
ReplyDeleteHope the student who actually had the seizure is okay; that experience sounds scary for all involved -- but, yes, also like one of those things that, fully prepared or not, proffies can reasonably expect to cope with now and then. I really don't mind when students actually get sick, even messily or scarily so or right in front of/on me, or when they have difficulty coping with real emergencies. It's the unnecessary drama over the small, nonexistent or entirely predictable stuff that gets me.
2 stories.
ReplyDeleteMy first day giving an exam ever, a mid-term, I had a very nervous student sitting for it. A freshmen. He had been coming to office hours for weeks in preparation for this exam. When the clock finally started, he looked bright white. And then, without changing expression, he fell against his desk and onto the floor. He had fainted. I have training in this (see story 2), but what a way to start your career giving exams!
My first day at work when I was 18 years old was similarly marred. As I sat there filling out my tax forms and other paperwork, the room began to fade and I had a seizure. It was an awesome way to start a job. To their credit, they didn't pull anything illegal like firing me and I ended up having a number of seizures there over the next few years. Poor customers. Not fun to watch a counter girl collapse into fits.
(ps, my seizures are now controlled and I am fine)
I grew up in the 1970s. in the U.S. with a brother who liked to build ramps and fly off into the air on his (non-motorized) bike. But I only just noticed the Evil Knievel reference in Evil Cake Nevil's moniker. It's definitely time for this semester to be over.
ReplyDelete