Shitty Parents for my Shit List

I've already fielded a parent wanting to add me as a friend on Facebook to keep track of their offspring, and two different parents calling to complain that their children wanted to get into a class that has been full all summer. Each wanted to explain why their child deserved to get into my class even though they hadn't registered when it opened for registration (for the record, these were not parents of first-year students!). What happened to sending kids off to college to become independent?

(I use the term "child" because that is how these students are behaving by expecting their parents to step in to fix their "problems.")

Widdle Anxious Suzy:
Today, because I took "too long" to respond to first-year-little Suzy's email about what books she needed for the class, her parent called. For the record, little Suzy had called her mommy to complain that I hadn't responded to email ten minutes (!) after she had emailed me. Yes, the books are listed on the syllabus that I had handed little Suzy earlier in class (and are listed on the college bookstore website, and are sitting pretty on the shelves in the college bookstore). Suzy's mother claimed that I had not responded in a timely manner and that this made poor widdle Suzy anxious. So in the ten minutes between the time Suzy had emailed me, she had found time to rant and rave to her mother, but not to look anywhere logical for a book list. And widdle Suzy's mommy hadn't thought to ask widdle Suzy about other possible ways to find out which books were required, either.

Mommy-Tag-along:
Another parent has been accompanying her child to classes this week. Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened. She asked if she could sit in my class with her child. I told her (truthfully) that we only had 28 desks and that 28 students were enrolled, so there would be no room for her so she would need to go do something else for an hour. Had we had enough desks, I would have told her that only registered students or sanctioned guests (i.e. visiting potential students) could attend. She tried to do the whole you-agree-with-me-that-it's-not-weird-that-I'm-here-don't-you? by commenting that some of the other students might think it odd that she's still here walking her child to classes. Instead of agreeing with her, I responded that sometimes, some people have a hard time letting go. I wanted to blast her. I wanted to shout that she has socially stunted her child by now making that child an object of ridicule (I'm pretty sure the child could see the other students giggling about the fact that there was a MOM still on campus). But I didn't.

Faulty Faculty Dad:
The worst parents of them all has been a colleague of mine. Prior to this, he seemed fairly normal and our interaction has been limited to brief greetings and meaningless chat at faculty functions. We don't really know each other well, but we've always been pleasant with each other. This was until I apparently said something offensive to the child while taking attendance on Day 1 to see who had showed up so I would know how many people I could allow into the class (see paragraph 1). What was this 'offensive' slur, you might wonder? I had said something like: "Hey, is so-and-so your dad? You have the same last name, and since it's not a common name, I'm just curious." (For the record, the last name is something like Cavendish or Callender, not anything I would have mispronounced). According to the child, this was the highest form of embarrassment ever and my claim that their last name was 'uncommon' was highly offensive. My colleague was calling to make sure that I did not in any other ways, "embarrass" his child in front of everyone in the class because that was just unprofessional behavior. I recommended that if his child were that easily embarrassed, to please transfer out of my class because I am sure I will say something far more offensive than ask if his 'less common' last name links him to his father. I also notified my chair and my dean of this interaction.

My shit list is growing, but these parents have moved straight to the top!