Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Shitty Parents for my Shit List

I've already fielded a parent wanting to add me as a friend on Facebook to keep track of their offspring, and two different parents calling to complain that their children wanted to get into a class that has been full all summer. Each wanted to explain why their child deserved to get into my class even though they hadn't registered when it opened for registration (for the record, these were not parents of first-year students!). What happened to sending kids off to college to become independent?

(I use the term "child" because that is how these students are behaving by expecting their parents to step in to fix their "problems.")

Widdle Anxious Suzy:
Today, because I took "too long" to respond to first-year-little Suzy's email about what books she needed for the class, her parent called. For the record, little Suzy had called her mommy to complain that I hadn't responded to email ten minutes (!) after she had emailed me. Yes, the books are listed on the syllabus that I had handed little Suzy earlier in class (and are listed on the college bookstore website, and are sitting pretty on the shelves in the college bookstore). Suzy's mother claimed that I had not responded in a timely manner and that this made poor widdle Suzy anxious. So in the ten minutes between the time Suzy had emailed me, she had found time to rant and rave to her mother, but not to look anywhere logical for a book list. And widdle Suzy's mommy hadn't thought to ask widdle Suzy about other possible ways to find out which books were required, either.

Mommy-Tag-along:
Another parent has been accompanying her child to classes this week. Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened. She asked if she could sit in my class with her child. I told her (truthfully) that we only had 28 desks and that 28 students were enrolled, so there would be no room for her so she would need to go do something else for an hour. Had we had enough desks, I would have told her that only registered students or sanctioned guests (i.e. visiting potential students) could attend. She tried to do the whole you-agree-with-me-that-it's-not-weird-that-I'm-here-don't-you? by commenting that some of the other students might think it odd that she's still here walking her child to classes. Instead of agreeing with her, I responded that sometimes, some people have a hard time letting go. I wanted to blast her. I wanted to shout that she has socially stunted her child by now making that child an object of ridicule (I'm pretty sure the child could see the other students giggling about the fact that there was a MOM still on campus). But I didn't.

Faulty Faculty Dad:
The worst parents of them all has been a colleague of mine. Prior to this, he seemed fairly normal and our interaction has been limited to brief greetings and meaningless chat at faculty functions. We don't really know each other well, but we've always been pleasant with each other. This was until I apparently said something offensive to the child while taking attendance on Day 1 to see who had showed up so I would know how many people I could allow into the class (see paragraph 1). What was this 'offensive' slur, you might wonder? I had said something like: "Hey, is so-and-so your dad? You have the same last name, and since it's not a common name, I'm just curious." (For the record, the last name is something like Cavendish or Callender, not anything I would have mispronounced). According to the child, this was the highest form of embarrassment ever and my claim that their last name was 'uncommon' was highly offensive. My colleague was calling to make sure that I did not in any other ways, "embarrass" his child in front of everyone in the class because that was just unprofessional behavior. I recommended that if his child were that easily embarrassed, to please transfer out of my class because I am sure I will say something far more offensive than ask if his 'less common' last name links him to his father. I also notified my chair and my dean of this interaction.

My shit list is growing, but these parents have moved straight to the top!

20 comments:

  1. Did you include the words "hostile work environment" in your letter to the dean? That'd drive her into panic mode.

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  2. Clearly you embarrassed Kiddo #3 by tipping off the other students that hir parent is a proffie, and Dad chose to refuse to acknowledge the fact that admitting they HAVE parents is very embarrassing for most college students.

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    1. True. Although that doesn't seem to be the problem here, since he immediately sought daddy's intervention to scold me.

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    2. This is actually the inverse of the typical interaction I've had - the student does not hide that so-and-so is their dad or mom, or somehow manages to bring it up in discussion about something else, particularly if they are a senior prof, chair, or Dean e.g. subtly implying "Give me an A or my Mommy or Daddy will destroy you!"

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  3. In 20+ years of teaching, I can't remember ever hearing from, or otherwise interacting with, a student's parent. I have two policies I don't violate: (i) never say or ask anything of a personal nature to a student, in public or in private; (ii) if a parent were to call or email: hang up ("federal law prohibits me from talking to you") resp. don't reply. FERPA is your friend. It's a little inhuman and anti-social, I know, but saves me from having to deal with a certain kind of nonsense.

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    1. For the first 15 years of my career, I had zero interaction with parents. In the past five years, that has increased and increased and increased. And I don't like it. I DON'T!

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  4. I'm curious to know how you dealt with Suzy's mother. Did you just do the FERPA "I can't talk to you" thing?

    My response, if I were feeling feisty, might have gone something like this:

    Thank you for your email. Unfortunately [ha!], federal privacy laws mean that I am unable to talk to you about any of the students in my class. I am not even allowed to confirm to a third party the existence of any particular student. I can, however, give you a little bit of general information about my teaching practices and policies.

    Firstly, all the books required for class are listed on the syllabus, and on the class website. All enrolled students have access to these, and all students are informed in the first class meeting that it is their responsibility to read the syllabus. Furthermore, in the first class meeting, I tell the students what books they need for the class, and the campus bookstore also has a list of all required texts for every class. If a student is enrolled and has been to the first class meeting, and still doesn't know what the required texts are, then the only possible explanation is that the student was not paying attention in class, and has also failed to fulfill his or her responsibility to read the syllabus.

    Secondly, my general email policy is to respond to student emails within 24 hours during the week, Monday to Friday. This is another policy that is explained very clearly on the syllabus and class website, and that was also discussed in the first class meeting. Another aspect of my email policy, also made very clear to students, is that I feel no obligation whatsoever to respond to emails asking for information that is clearly and unambiguously available on the syllabus. By the time students are in college, they should be able to follow basic instructions.

    Again, I am sorry [ha!] that I cannot discuss individual students with you, but the above information should provide some insight into the way that my classes work, and the expectations that I have of my students.

    Yours sincerely, etc.

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    Replies
    1. I did something similar to what you did, only much shorter.

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  5. My candidate for worst Faculty Parent ever- I found out this colleague had a child in my very large intro to Hamsterology class due to a passing comment he made on the day of the final exam. I asked why he hadn't mentioned it before and he said "oh I didn't want her to get any special treatment." I was impressed- but not for long. When said child FAILED that exam, the colleague did everything they could to pressure me to pass the child, including threatening to sue the University. I held firm, but my Dean over-rode me and passed said child to "prevent the law suit".

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    1. Wow, that's just wrong.

      I've had the opposite experience with my dean: her kid was in my class and he flunked twice. Not once did she intervene or even ask me what was going on.

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  6. Crap. No wonder you're a cynic.

    First of all, get rid of the damned phone. "Accidentally" pull the plug from the wall. No one needs a phone in their office, and I've been so happy since budget cuts took ours from us.

    Second of all, have you checked to make sure you didn't take a wrong turn and end up at a f*cking preschool???

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    1. Nota Bene: I actually do need an office phone. My building is a cellphone-proof bunker, and if I want to make phone contact with anyone--at all--I have no choice but to use my university-supplied landline.

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    2. I rarely communicate via phone with anyone on campus except during registration and advising. Email works for most other things. I'm totally unplugging and I'm going to just check voicemail from now on. .

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    3. Just turn off the ringer. You can still call out, and all incoming calls go onto your voicemail.

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  7. I feel sorry for you and even sorrier for the child of Mommy Tag-along. That brings to mind the Thirsty we had over the summer about the mom who sat next to her daughter and was loudly verbally abusive.

    But what I really want to say is that I've admired your avatar for a long time. Fabulous glasses, motto, flowers -- with just a tasteful touch of the requisite blur.

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    1. "a tasteful touch of the requisite blur." is one of the chief reasons I enjoy single malt scotch.

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    2. Aw, thanks: I didn't design it. I think we can thank Cal for that one.

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  8. Very interesting. I'm going to have to study this a bit more. I almost always use the micropur and aqua mira tablets, but I've always wanted to try something that's faster acting (either steripen or a light filter). I'm going to have to look at this some more... either the Frontier Pro or the LifeStraw. For simplicity and reliability, what would you recommend?

    water softener
    water filter
    water cooler

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  9. ^...that the spam-block be buffed up a bit...

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