Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day is now a valid excuse??

Good Afternoon Mrs. Monkey,

I hope you have big plans for Valentines Day! I have to get an extension from you. My hubby has warned me that he will be kidnapping me at 4pm and I won't be back until tomorrow. He won't even tell me what we are doing or anything -- Isn't that romantic? So you see, I can't finish my work today. I wont be home for the rest of the night he said. So I was wondering about emailing you my work tomorrow.

Happy Valentines Day. Romance!! :p
Fluffy Fawna Flake


Oh Fawna,

What the hell are you doing? You are a grown-ass woman. You are on scholarship here. You are acting like you just turned Sweet Sixteen and run solely on batteries, Cosmo magazines, and lovey texts.

I am concerned about you. Were you aware that kidnapping is a crime? Is this one of your Comos secrets to a long lasting marriage? Are you also into spanking now? It is the cool thing to do, you know. And sexy times is all about cool.

But this accusation of kidnapping...detaining you against your will is not the way people express love for each other. I would call the cops if I were you. Okay, just kidding. Detention can be fun. But that's not the point. I realize you are in school despite being a little bit touched in the head, and that you aren't interested in what you are doing here but want the degree so your kidnapping husband will "respect" you. Honey, dearheart, nothing is going to get this man to respect you. He treats you like crap and then one day a year he takes you out and you think it's so peachy that you blow off school to tend to his every whim.

Really, I shouldn't know all of this about your life. You shouldn't bring it up in class or my office hours. Nor should you email me this crap. But you do. And I am NOT INTERESTED.

I've given you extensions in the past. You had some level of "validity" to your past requests. Mother-in-law ill, Husband broke down and you had to leave to pick him up off the freeway. But the last extension was borderline -- you had a cough and ran out of time trying to ward off the flu. Hm. So this one? This fourth extension in just over a month of school? I'm sorry, dearie. I can't give you a break so you can go out on a date with your pitiful husband. You knew V-day was coming. If you thought there was a chance at romance, why didn't you take the full 7 days you had for this assignment and do it then? Why leave it to the last night?

Oh, that's right. Because you do not care about your education. You are using resources to "earn your man's respect" instead of becoming more skilled for yourself. Why don't you just call this what it is: a MRS degree?

If you submit it late, you lose some points but it won't kill you. If you really need this suburban fantasy kidnapping, by all means go for it. Just take your lumps and don't expect me to be put out as a result.

Ooh! Maybe you'll get pregnant and then have a million new excuses for extensions!! YAY. Screw off.

Happy Valentine's Day. Hope he takes you to a Dungeon!!

Professor Monkey


  1. Just to play the contrarian, here are the lyrics to "Venus in Furs" by The Velvet Underground, as written by Lou Reed.

    Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
    Whiplash girlchild in the dark
    Comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him
    Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

    Downy sins of streetlight fancies
    Chase the costumes she shall wear
    Ermine furs adorn the imperious
    Severin, Severin awaits you there

    I am tired, I am weary
    I could sleep for a thousand years
    A thousand dreams that would awake me
    Different colors made of tears

    Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather
    Shiny leather in the dark
    Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you
    Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

    Severin, Severin, speak so slightly
    Severin, down on your bended knee
    Taste the whip, in love not given lightly
    Taste the whip, now plead for me

    I am tired, I am weary
    I could sleep for a thousand years
    A thousand dreams that would awake me
    Different colors made of tears

    Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
    Whiplash girlchild in the dark
    Severin, your servant comes in bells, please don't forsake him
    Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

  2. I really want to see her try to argue her position to a dean.... you don't, because it would make your life suck, but that would be one fabulous spectator sport! I'll bring popcorn. I make excellent garlic chile popcorn!

  3. Jesus Christ. Fucking nitwit. Do you know what real married people do on Valentine's Day? They have a quickie and then get their fucking work done.

  4. Not one guy showed up to class this morning. I had a wonderful time teaching attentive women. And the room smelled better too.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Missing Local Wife and College Student Missing, Husband Wanted for Questioning

    The whereabouts of a local woman remain a mystery and her husband is considered the prime suspect. After initial questioning by the police, the man cannot be found. Authorities believe that he fled from the state to avoid further interrogation and possible arrest for his wife's kidnapping and possibly other charges.

    Police have been generally quiet about their investigation but did confirm that the woman's cell phone contained several possible clues. The night before her disappearance, she sent an email to her college professor. In the message, the missing woman warned that her husband might kidnap her during the following evening. She politely asked for an extension of an assignment deadline while she dealt with her kidnapping.

    University officials released a statement confirming that the professor did receive the email and, most shockingly, the professor then mocked the woman's plight on an internet website. The website, known as College Misery, is purported to be an "academic water cooler" for mean and irritable college faculty. For reasons of public decency, we will not show their site, which contains poorly rendered graphics, fonts that are simultaneously too small and outrageously large, and many annoying ads.

    We will release the name, home phone and address of the callous professor so that you can mock and threaten her. Please do not do this in our comments section below.

    1. Beaker Ben, however can I thank you for this piece of complete and total hilarity? I read it out loud in its entirety to a group of friends in a bar. We are all about to take shots of whiskey: TO BEN!!

  7. AM, please tell me you made this up.
    "on scholarship" seems to have changed its meaning....

  8. This reminds me of the time when I was in navy boot camp, and one of the very young recruits asked whether we get time off for Halloween.

    Halloween isn't a national holiday, so of course not. But the response that came up from the troops was something to behold. I sure wish we could respond like that.

  9. One of my students asked if we could end class early so he could go propose to his girlfriend before their next class. I told him to come up with a better proposal plan. Oh, GOD! These people are going to reproduce and pop out worse flakes!

  10. Now, wait a minute. A student just sent you an email saying: "My hubby has warned me that he will be kidnapping me." Hyperbolic rhetorical context aside, this student has stated that a felony is going to be perpetrated – and implicitly, perpetrated upon her. As an educator, you have a legal duty to report this, independently that you believe that an actual kidnapping is going to happen. As a matter of fact, you can go to jail if you don’t. Similarly, campus police has a duty to investigate the case, report it to the local authorities and, being a federal crime, to the FBI. So, as Nike says, just do it. And see the face of the student the next day. It´ll have been her more exciting Valentine´s ever. And for her hubby, being in a list of people who have been accused of doing naughty things will be a source of entertainment for years.
    Because you can.

  11. Raise your hand if you have a Valentine.
    Keep your hands raised if you had plans last night.
    Keep them raised if you got your work for today done Wednesday night.

    If you never raised your hand, I am sorry.
    If you put your hand down at step two, I am also sorry.
    If kept your hand up at step three, good job, welcome to adulthood.
    If you still have your hand up, you probably look funny; you can put it down now.

  12. OH NOES!!!



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