Friday, September 21, 2012

Smackin' it Old School

Amnesiac Annie:  If you don't know what your paper was about, either you have brain damage or you're a plagiarist.  Either way, don't make a goddamn appointment with me to go over it without having refreshed your memory.  If your only answer to my questions about thesis and organization is to shrug and mutter "dunno," please find something else to do than sit in my office drinking in my sweet, sweet oxygen.

Rebellious Randolph:  I am not the Man.  Please stop acting like you're bucking the power by coming late and leaving early.  You're not.  I have no power, as evidenced by the fact that I'm teaching the 8:00 AM section of Introductory Remedial Hamster Flensing.  Your paper about how easy professors have it and how we should all be fired was charming, but stupid.  To set the record straight, we do not get paid "six figures"; we do not eat caviar and lobster all the time; we do not have three months of vacation every year.  Instead, we have to deal daily with little entitled brats who fancy themselves rebels.

Musical Monty:  Holy shit if you don't stop tapping that pencil I am going to feed it to your nether eye with the heel of my shoe I swear to God you are driving me hampstershit crazy.

Jock Joe:  Never make an appointment with me right after football practice again.  No, whatever cheap Walmart perfume you're wearing does not cover the stink.  You smell like someone left some Roquefort in a locker room and then poured Ax Body Spray all over it before simmering it in an old Bike cup.

Inquisitive Ingrid:  I can hear you when you ask the guy next to you what the reading was about just before the quiz.  And yes, that's why you continuously fail the quizzes.  Because he hasn't done the reading either.  In fact, no one has: it's the blind cheating with the blind.

Oversharing Owen:  I don't care about your girlfriend.  I'm sorry you're sad; here's the number to counseling.  When you want to discuss hamster flensing, I am here.  Until then, I'm elsewhere.


  1. I know a few of us had a discussion about little packets of white powder coming out of a hamster's asshole a few days back, but your description of Jock Joe takes the cake. That just sounds naaaaaaaaaaasty. I mean, it wasn't too bad until it was simmered in an old cup. Ych!

  2. Bravo! I love me some old-time Smack. Thanks, Prof. C!

  3. The last time I had a student like Rebellious Randolph, I told him to GET A GIRLFRIEND or ANYTHING to take the inappropriate edge off your unprovokedly aggressive personality. I trust you also gave his paper a low grade, for poor research and overgeneralizing?

  4. My favorite line was wanting them not to "drink in" your "sweet, sweet oxygen!" I almost snorted coffee out of my nose.......

  5. You'll never get invited to Owen's wedding with this attitude!! But seriously, I've been a magnet the past two years for troubled lovers.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.