Wednesday, March 25, 2015

St. Patrick's Day student shenanigans

This one is simply too good to not share. Our campus usually tries to schedule our spring break during the week of St. Patrick's Day, for a variety of reasons. This year, however, it did not work out, and so we had class that day. For the most part, it was a normal day. The parking lot was reasonably full and attendance in my classes was good. Fast forward to the end of the day - 6pm. I was heading out of the parking lot, toward the road, when I passed by a couple male students, walking along in their shirt sleeves (it was maybe 35 degrees, but sunny), eating food out of takeout containers from the Union. It was pretty clear to me that they were wasted. When I got to the Stop sign, and I noticed that one of them was running toward my car, waving his arms.  I waited at the Stop sign, and he ran up to the passenger side of my car. 

Student: Hey, can you give me and my friend a ride?

Me (I am a professor and a department chair, pretty well known on this small-ish campus): Do I know you?

Student (drooling a little): Can you give me and my friend a ride?

(The other student continues to walk away, happily eating his takeout food and ignoring the ongoing scene with his friend.)

Me: Where are you going?

Student: Just down the street (points).

Me: Are you a student here?

Student: Uh ... yeah.  I'm a Communications major.

(Note, this is not my department)

Me (doors locked, window still rolled up, no way in hell is he getting into my car): OK, who are your professors?

Student (as the light bulb slowly turns on): Uh ....

Me: Come on - name one of your profs.

Student: Uhhhh ... I can't.

Me: Well, then I'm sorry, but I have a rule. I don't give rides to people I don't know.

Student: Uh ... OK! (runs / stumbles away).

And then yesterday, I found two empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in one of my classrooms. They were tucked behind an overhead projector, and I discovered them while I was sitting at the desk proctoring an exam.  I have no idea how long they had been sitting there. The students taking the exam were amused. But, that's a story for another day …


  1. Two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon...

    From personal experience, that's nowhere near enough to get wasted on.

    1. Damn right, EMH. PBR is good work beer. I know through personal experience that someone could "warm filter" 1PBR/15min while hammering together an entire wall and never miss a nail.

  2. Well played. I have a rule, too, though I never thought of it before now. I don't give rides to people who are drooling, unless they are my offspring.

  3. Two cans of PBR? That's two Miami U keggers!

  4. You'd be surprised how many students don't know the names of their profs... That aside, I wouldn't have let them in my car either.

  5. Is it Adam Levine? Geez, that's the sort of bad graphic we're famous for!!! Well done!

    1. Is that who's in the picture? I am chagrined that I even recognize the name. I watch his singing show for as long as I watch his zit creme commercials, that is to say, as long as it takes for the channel to change. His band may be decent enough, but my radio never plays their music now that there are no more teenagers riding in my cars.

      But, yeah, another great graphic.

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  7. I happened to be in a university city (not my own) the Saturday before St Patrick's day. It was a bit scary. I don't think my Irish grandfather (who reportedly loved St Patrick's day, but was a teetotaler, ostensibly because he "didn't like the taste" of alcohol, but probably because he'd seen a few too many alcohol-fueled problems in his family of origin, and had some intuitive sense that he might be similarly vulnerable) would have approved.

    On a related note, why do large congregations of drunk young people do so much yelling these days? I especially notice the periodic mass rising "wooooo," even when they're not, as far as I can tell, watching sports. Did they always do that? Or is it something new? It seems to be their way of signaling to themselves and each other that they're having a good time, but it's really annoying when they do it not far from my window at night. Thankfully, I'm not close enough to see whether they're drooling as well.

    1. Why do they "wooooo" the way they do when they do that "wooooo" they do-bee-do?

      Just plant a big monolith in the center of the gathering, 2001 style, and I think we'd have our answer. Drool might be the least offensive of their excretions and expirations.

    2. I wish to offer you this compliment card I just received, to show my appreciation for your kind compliment.

  8. A friend in grad school once remarked that "drunk college students will cheer for anything that isn't attacking them."

    I once watched a drunk frat bro climb a medium-sized, bare tree during some sort of tailgate or whatnot. Hundreds of people watched him climb until the branches got smaller and smaller and finally too small to support him. The small branches snapped, he fell about 15 or 20 feet, hit the sidewalk, and a cheer went up from the idiot crowd. Woohoo.


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