Yeah, Just Try and Make me Shut my Laptop! I'll Just Tell the Dean that You Come to Class Drunk

BURP!

It's happy hour here at WOLF359!

A student made a VERY serious allegation about me today.  It didn't fly, but I'm still very upset.

You know how if you send a student to the Dean for discipline, the student likes to invent dirt on you?  This particular student tried to say that I came to class two weeks ago, drunk and puking all over the room.

Dear Lying Bitch of a Student:

Oh, that was clever wasn't it?  I'll bet you learned that one in high-school.   But, because you have no critical thinking skills whatsoever, you didn't take the time to think about how you could get caught in this lie!

For starters, don't you think somebody would have told maintenance about vomit all over the classroom?  And I have the same question for you as the Dean of Students had:  Why didn't you report this 2 weeks ago when this supposedly happened?  I know why and the Dean does too.  You are a lying sac of shit, that's what you are.  You've forgotten that this is a really small campus and our administration knows the students on a first name basis.  Good luck with any future complaints, as no one in the admin building is going to believe you now.

I treasure the fact that our Dean of Students actually supports the faculty.  Oh, what's that?  The lady next to you is going to write another letter to the President?  Bring it on!  I can use the money!  So, be ready to pay up!

You are here to learn mathematics.  Shut your laptop and pay attention means exactly that.  If your rich spoiled ass can't handle that, then go back to the gated community you came from.  You are a minority here and are cramping our style.   

Sincerely,

Your very sober, abused, and overworked EMH.

What Beaker Ben's actually doing when he takes a break from posting on CM

8-)

A solution?

Forwarded by a sympathetic friend on The Book of Faces.

A Post-Class, Two-Weeks-Left-of-Class Rant From Academic Drag.

It might be inappropriate to tell my students to suck it up and grow a pair. But I really don’t give a fuck if they don’t want to be here. I don’t give a fuck if they think this class is boring. This class would be a hell of a lot less boring if they actually engaged with the fucking material. So they can just fuck off. So, suck it up, do your fucking work, and stop acting like a bunch of pissant children. Fucking entitled, self-important little testosterone-fueled douchebags. Honestly, grow the fuck up.

A bit more difficult if you didn’t do the fucking reading, isn’t it?

I don’t give a fuck if you are a business major who thinks he’s wasting his time. I think you are an idiot. Also, a jackass. “The jerk store called. They want you back.” You are so far behind my other section of this class that I have basically given up on you. I don’t care if you don’t learn anything. Honestly, with the exception of a few girls on the other side of the room, you are all useless. If you want to use class time to continue talking about your douchebag interests, go the fuck ahead.

 --Academic Drag

Update On Comments, Etc.

Hi everyone. Fab started pulling down comments about ten days ago from one fairly recent visitor to the site, and after this person called a community member a cunt last week, I thought that this person had overstayed the welcome as well. (Oh, and he'd done way more than the one bad offense. Anyone reading for the past few weeks could point to a dozen violations of the misery rules.)

He'd been borderline for a while, making enough ordinary (yet still stupid) comments to sorta stay within reason, but he's remarkably clueless and never picked up on the fact that we were going to let him stay if he'd behave just a little fucking bit!

So I guess he finally noticed and then started spamming a couple of older posts today, filling some pages with dots, etc. So I've been taking him down when he appears.

I'll miss some of course; nobody's watching over the page since Fab went on hiatus. Shit. I can't even find the hide-a-key Fab left for us. I had to break out the french doors that lead from the pool deck to get in here. (What is this smell?)

Anyway, bear with us during the trying time...no, just kidding.

But bear with us anyway while Junior throws his shit fit.

Leslie K

End of Semester Rambles

• Dear students who did less than half the required work during the first 7 weeks of the 8 week online block class who are now filling my inbox with your impassioned pleas: Do you seriously believe that you could magically complete 50-80% of the work for this class in just one week? I certainly don't think so, which is why my answer is "no [way in bloody hell]."
  
• Dear student who blew off two of the four tests without contacting me in advance, which means no makeup allowed, which means no way can you pass: It's rare for me to feel guilty about being a hardass about my grading policies, but your coming to me to apologize for your lack of responsibility and actually thank me for holding you to a high standard, followed by your continuing to come to class in order to not let your team down for their final project, is making me really reconsider my hardass stance.
  
• Dear administration who is suddenly treating the faculty like clock-punchers, and requiring us to submit leave time for coming in 15 minutes late or leaving 15 minutes early, even if we have clearly put in hours of extra work that week and most weeks: Thank you for helping me see what a regular work schedule feels like. Instead of staying most days at least 30-60 minutes late, working through most lunches, and working nights, weekends, holidays and even sick days and vacation days to do things like answer students' emails, review their work, keep up with my grading, and look for ways to I prove on my upcoming classes, I just go home exactly on time every day and do almost no work when I'm there. I don't know why I complained about it so much - I certainly have a lot more free time now! Of course my students are paying the price in a big way, but hey, all I can tell them is sorry - all faculty are expected to keep a very regular schedule, and there's nothing I can do about it.

A little smack

Please indulge this sweet release.

In a homework assignment made public to each other, one student avoided the work and took the opportunity instead to recount the first time he encountered the main idea of this week's lecture -- basically, he shared with the class a memory from when he was 6 years old and his mom was crying about something hamster fur related.

His memory really has nothing to do with anything, and it pretty much pissed me off. It is the perfect example of some dumbass kid ignoring the material and talking out of his ass instead. What the hell. This has nothing to do with our course. So I said something to him (and the class) about key concepts in discussion and staying within the boundaries of the course as we conquer each assignment.

His response: "Professor, I DID stay within the boundaries of the course. The key concepts of this week's lecture reminded me of this memory. So I don't think your criticism is valid."

OH MY GOD. Instead of replying by doing it properly, you just dig your heals in??

Listen, fuckwit. Your recounting of your mom crying over some bullshit that happened 15 years ago has *nothing* to do with our homework assignment. It is distracting our class and failing to fulfill your obligations as a student to do this particular assignment. And instead of giving you a straight up F and taking hell from all the administrators, parents, and others who coddle you little shits when you fail to follow the tiniest of directions, I gave you a second chance and reminded you to stay within the boundaries of the question and to use the reading as your guide in context. In response to this kindness I gave you, this opportunity to bounce back with a B or something, you have decided to stand up for your stupid goddamned childhood memory THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME AND DOES NOT FULFILL THE ASSIGNMENT ASSHOLE.

So fine. Take the F. I don't care, but I really wish I could yell at your stupid entitled face right now. (thank god for CM!)

Fuck off,
Monkey Out

Die extra credit, DIE!

Let me start out with some context.

I'm not permitted in my current job to go "off book" as it were. I have Big Boss. Big Boss sets the teaching pace, goals, grading rules and the rest. It's great, because I just have to show up, teach the plan, grade, and leave. It ensures that the Flakey Flakes have the same standards and training to get through Class A, B, C, D, E, F and G. It sucks because of the common exams: if your class is slow/gets behind/you don't explain things really tea-partying well the first time, your students will get whacked on the exams. Sure, there are some things that Big Boss does that drive me tea-partying crazy all the tea-partying time, but overall, Big Boss is like a beautiful pit bull who goes after the throat of the flakes. Big Boss has told the Dean where to get off. Big Boss has standards and maintains them. We are supposed to fail the students who don't get it. I love/fear Big Boss.

"Show no pity," Big Boss says. "Fail them if they don't know the material. Send them to me. I'll deal with them." Personally, I fail at least two students a quarter in a typical class.

One thing Big Boss does that I loathe is allowing extra credit. I hate extra credit. Extra credit means extra grading. Extra whining.

The students are delusional. Absolutely delusional. Worse than delusional, they are mathematically challenged. The course is a set number of points across all the classes. The students earn points as they go, and if they earn a sufficient number of points, they earn the appropriate grade. The extra credit is a MINISCULE part of this grade; I'd say about three percent of the total. The extra credit really only makes up for one bad section on one exam. It makes what would probably be a borderline grade a solid grade.

The Beginning of Summer Ennui.

I saw them scamper
out of class,
so happy to be free of me,
and my mundane concerns
of staples, and folders,
and deadlines.

They had so much life then!

And now after a marathon
of pen to paper
and of grades to bear,
I'm free of them, too.

And summer opens to me.

When I was young, I traveled,
overseas, to the mountains,
cabins and fjords
and a spectacular desert.

And when I returned to school
I was annoyed at its
appearance in my life.
Was I not just in a jeep,
was I not just in cargo shorts?

Now, I climb the couch,
and unspool shows
off my patient and stuffed DVR.

It's only hours now, you understand,
but the summer ennui has begun.

I can't even relax right.

I think of something I can do in class
in the fall,
to make things go better,
to get the young ones more enthused.

Can't I just let them go?
They aren't thinking of me,
are they?

Nope.

Reminder.

As Fab noted last week, when a comment gets removed from the page (usually for the party's current or past violations), any replies to that comment (the so-called threaded comments) get lost as well. Apologies for that.

- Cal

From the Mercury News.

Updating a story from yesterday.

[+]

Cheating controversy grows into angry, national dialogue about ethical breakdowns

By Sharon Noguchi

snoguchi@mercurynews.com

They're outraged, furious, incredulous and deeply worried.

The case of the Redwood City father who's suing because his son was dropped from a class for cheating has struck a nerve in readers, who have e-mailed, phoned and posted their discontent online.

Jack Berghouse's lawsuit against the Sequoia Union High School District has disturbed people's sense of fairness and decency as well as their belief in the importance of teaching character and ethics in young people who will inherit the nation's leadership.

"We should be able to take the consequences for our choices," said Annalys Berraje of Soquel. "I think it's terrible that people wink at things that ultimately destroy the value of the character of the nation."

Berghouse's son and three other students were dropped from a sophomore honors English class at Sequoia High School in Redwood City for copying and sharing homework. The four students were transferred to a lower-level but still college-preparatory class. Berghouse filed a suit earlier this month, and called the news media to say his son's due process rights were violated. He seeks to have his son readmitted to the honors class.

FULL ARTICLE

"Who the Fuck Sent Me This Link?" Will in Weed is Wondering.

Alcohol Rehab for College Professors 

Hello friend.

Stress at home or at work can be the root cause of a problem with alcohol. College professors may find that the stress of research or the pressures of academia have resulted in a struggle with alcohol abuse. If so you can get help now before alcohol abuse does real damage to your life and career. Every person is different which is why it is important to seek treatment that will meet your specific needs. Becoming a professor requires effort, dedication and passion. You have worked hard for your career, so don’t let alcohol take it away from you.

Alcohol Inpatient Rehabilitation for College Professors
An inpatient rehab facility can address any alcohol problem from limited abuse to the most severe cases of addiction. If your alcohol abuse problem is interfering with your daily life, you should choose a treatment program at an inpatient rehab facility. These facilities offer a safe and controlled environment with no access to alcohol or drugs. Professional and luxury inpatient rehab facilities resemble spas rather than medical clinics, and they make rehab seem like a reward or a relaxing vacation rather than a punishment. In this environment you can receive treatment and begin to recover. Parts of the recovery process will be difficult for college professors, but the staff at an inpatient rehab facility will be prepared to support you along the way.

From LA Times.

Student cheats, gets caught -- and his father sues. What gives? 
By Karin Klein

Kids -- and their parents -- are so intent on the most glowing high school records that almost anything goes. Professional tutors and counselors galore. Cheating by so-called honor students is at mortifying levels, and it doesn't end once they get into that name college. Professors report unending grade-grubbing by students, to the extent that the parents leap in to defend their darlings. And then we wonder why these supposed young adults are unable to cope with the real world after graduation?

 According to a story in the San Mateo County Times, this trend has reached something of a peak at a high school school where a father is going to court to keep his son from facing the school's discipline for cheating. No one is denying that the boy broke the rules, copying essay homework from another student, but the father's argument is that the punishment -- throwing the sophomore out of the English honors course -- is too harsh because a regular English course doesn't impress colleges as much as the more rigorous class.

 FULL ARTICLE

From the Onion. "Choosing A College."

The college years are a pivotal time in a person's life, not to mention a major financial investment. Here are some tips to help you choose the right school:

• You can never go wrong choosing a college you saw advertised on public transportation. 
• There are many fine single-sex colleges where the emphasis is squarely on academics. Attend one of these only if you are a homosexual. 
• Examine the school's official crest. If it has a big pot leaf in the center, you are on the right track. 
• Find a college that will nurture your talents. For example, if you have an aptitude for dressing up in drag, penning witty quatrains, and awarding celebrities prizes as a way to draw attention to yourself, you may want to consider Harvard. 
• If you fail to get accepted at a good school, you have brought shame upon not only yourself, but also your entire family. Committing ritual seppuku is the only way to save face. 

Finals! - A VidShizzle From Cal.

Life Is Meaningless without Direction(s)

One of the most desperate times of the year has come for us in Proffie Land: the last couple of weeks of class. For students, this is the time of magical thinking.  Those who haven't been paying attention all term suddenly realize they must become serious students if they have any hope of passing. Some of them actually think they can earn an A at this point.  Most of them could eke out a C if they would just do what they should have been doing all term long: read the damn directions!

Here are a few gems I've received this week alone:

Am I actually supposed to turn in the assignment in the place labeled "Assignments"?

I don't understand how to do the research project. Where are the directions? (This after having received instructions about exactly where the directions are and what to click on as well as an email recap of what to do and regular contact about the project.)

I just figured out how to do the research project. Can I turn in the six assignments that were already due so you can grade them this weekend? (A seventh is also due this weekend.)

How do I know when anything is due? (All assignments have due dates on them, and the dates are also listed on the course calendar and in the learning modules with links to the assignments. Whenever they log in, the LMS immediately gives them a to-do list for the week which links directly to the assignments.)

All of these are questions that should have been asked weeks ago, and not a single one of them really needed to be asked. They would know the answers if they would just read the directions. I encourage specific questions if they don't understand something, but not saying anything at all until it's too late or just saying "I don't understand" is about as helpful as saying, "Here is a duck who is friends with a hamster."

P.S. When I went looking for images about directions, Hiram's pic came up as one of the top ten!

wikinausea

Q: Have you ever read so many bastardized versions of a wikipedia article that you think you can reconstruct the original?

As a final essay, I asked my students to write about the theme of obligation in the Epic of the Aardvarks.  Easy, straightforward.  But they don't know what the word "obligation" means, so they throw it into Google.  The wikipedia article (a wikipedia article on what "obligation" means? wtf?) includes the phrase "normative context."

Look, moronflakes.  If you don't know what "obligation" means, I am not for a moment going to believe that you regularly use the phrase "normative context." Just sayin'.

I'm Hiram and I'm Baffled By Those Last Week Escapees!

I am baffled by two of my students who skipped the last week of the semester, not turning in a final paper, nor taking the final.

Both of these young women were likely to pass...one had enough points already. (The department requires a paper that qualifies as a research or sources essay, and while they both missed the deadline this week for the official research project, an earlier paper by both had multiple sources and actually qualifies as well.)

I know both felt snowed under, getting the last paper done, prepping for the exam. But, seriously, even walking into class and taking a nap or scrawling nothing but Nicki Minaj lyrics in a blue book would have gotten them through.

I read a great book called College Fear Factor a couple of years ago, a book that - among a great number of other things - revealed to me that many students just would rather drop or stop coming to a class than turn in work that proved they were not worthy of being in college.

It bums me out because I was one of the all time great "bad college students," but I turned in my shitty work and learned from it. (And took more than a few classes over again.)

And So I Finally Did It...

Die IT Die!

While, I'm grateful that IT has not ripped apart my classroom this semester, our Tutoring center seems to have experienced the brunt of their incompetence.

They fuck everything up, even the Loaner Laptop option.  I've needed a loaner laptop on a few occasions.  The first time, they handed me a laptop and told me it was ready to use.  I then took it home to discover that it would not let me log-in.  So I took the thing back only to be told, "Well, you have to plug it into the ethernet first...".  The second occasion, they handed me a laptop and I asked them if everything was ready to go.  Of course, they said yes.  Again, I took it home but only to discover that it hadn't been imaged.  Fuck the loaner laptops.  I'll do without.

I feel for you, Prof. Silverback!

One of the silverbacks, had made an appointment to see me. He came to my office with a thick stack of papers. I was mildly surprised, as Prof. Silverback had been dean for many years and is a well-known electronic underwater basketweaver. He's also a pain to talk to, as his eyes drift to ones breasts, if one is a woman. Constantly.

But today he managed to find and hold my eyes. He needed someone to talk to. He's only got a year and a half left before he retires.  But these young whippersnappers that he hired, they aren't grateful to him. They've edged him out in running the labs; they've edged him out of the dean's position; now they are plagiarizing his teaching material and including wrong information on the hand outs.

He was honestly dejected - here he has spent his life setting up the electronic underwater baskeweaving laboratory, and has been in the press a jillion times about this. He loves to teach, has never taken a sabbatical, and is mystified at how his colleagues are treating him. The current dean won't listen to him because when he was dean, he didn't approve travel for this guy to a conference that had him listed as Dr. Gruesome, Gruesome Inc. with no mention of the university. Yes, it's a conspiracy. Is that somehow new to you.

I couldn't help much more than say

1. Take that long overdue sabbatical!
2. Decide what you want about the handouts, either don't sweat it or have it withdrawn, in between doesn't work.
3. See to it that you have some fun with your students before you retire.

He gets extra points for bringing me a pink Christmas cactus as a thank you. But it is sad, the way the school just lets the older professors drift into retirement instead of using his talents. And the way the young whippersnappers are allowed to treat him with no one calling attention to how hurtful this is - this is indeed a problem. But you know what? We're getting old.

Ah well. I'm just glad he didn't try and hug me after the session.

Animals Disappointed in Your College Performance

A colleague of mine just sent this little gem of a Tumblr site, titled "Animals Disappointed in Your College Performance" and I lol'd quite a bit.

I think we could make some really good ones of our own, too.

Happy Thursday, everyone!

A Big Thirsty ... if that's ok with you

For those of you who do not pay attention to Northern Kanukastan, and who would? I mean, a bunch of back bacon eating, Rush loving, metric users ... here is the latest great political move.

A little while ago the B.C. government passed Bill 22 and took away the right of grade school teachers to strike. Now, a grade 1 teacher in the town of Prince Rupert could disciplinary measures after showing a political message in the form of a quote. So, who did she quote? Che? Nope. Fidel? Nope. Heck, it wasn't even Marx.

The quote reads, "I know, up on the top you are seeing great sights, but down on the bottom we, too, have rights."

That's right, a grade 1 teacher is in trouble for displaying a quote from Dr. Seuss's "Yertle the Turtle."

Q: So, friends in misery, I ask you, what quotes have you posted in the office or on the office door and have you ever been disciplined as a result?

[+]

p.s. Rush as a new CD out. (sorry about that)

Feel Free to Steal This Line.

A student came by my office (for the first time all semester) because he was worried about his final grade. I heard the usual “I really tried hard during the semester” and “I really want to succeed in your class.” Of course, he’s been there infrequently and what he’s turned in has been both piss-poor and off-topic.

“Ay, Memo,” I said. “My problem is that when I fill in the grade sheet at the end of the semester, I only have five choices: A, B, C, D , or F. As much as I’d like to, I can’t give you an E for 'effort' or a G for 'ganas.' The computer won’t let me."

- Señor Snarky from San Diego

Killer Job Opportunity for Ambitious English Lit Scholars!

We've got it good. It's always hiring season down here at the adjunct trough...
Institution: Big Brick Univer$ity Corporation
Location: as if it matters
Field: English
Rank: full-time contingent pay-to-teach
The English Department at Big Brick University Corporation invites applications for a full-time, contingent, pay-to-teach position in English to begin August 2012. Area of specialty within the field is irrelevant, since all our courses are standardized anyway. Teaching responsibilities include four sections of introductory and/or remedial English and writing and two sections of an upper division survey of British, American or colonial English literature per term, depending on enrollment totals as of the morning of the first day of class, a standard 6/6/6 load.
Candidates must have at least one Ph.D. in hand at the time of application, a rating of at least 4.0 at myteacheristhecoolest.com and no fewer than five years of adjunct teaching experience demonstrating commitment to excellence, student retention and shareholder value. Similarly qualified candidates are encouraged to apply, but probably shouldn't bother. We've got 50 people right here already lined up at the door, most of whom are adjuncts at both of the other two universities here in town.

A New Trend: Kids Getting Drunk off of Hand Sanitizer (a liquid vidshizzle)

College Students Making Me Smile

From Boston.Com

Suffolk student falls to death in apparent suicide

THIS STORY APPEARED IN

April 25, 2012|By Peter Schworm

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The death of a Suffolk University student who jumped from the 11th floor of a campus building and the suicide of a Yale student last week have renewed longstanding concerns about mental illness among college students and prompted calls for heightened awareness of often subtle signs of distress.

“We don’t need to wait until the flags are all red,’’ said Alison Malmon, executive director of Active Minds, a national group seeking to increase students’ awareness of mental health issues.

“There doesn’t need to be a threshold to cross to reach out to someone,’’ Malmon said. “If they seem to be struggling just a bit, go talk to them.’’

Eric Christo, a 22-year-old senior finance major at Sawyer Business School at Suffolk University, had made the dean’s list and was expected to graduate in May.

About 9:30 Thursday evening, awitness who saw Christo falling called 911. Christo’s personal effects were recovered on the 11th floor overlooking the street, law enforcement officials said. There were no signs of a struggle, and a police report describes his death as a suicide.

FULL ARTICLE.

Stress At Harvard.

No Evening Exams

Evening finals would be stressful, not efficient

By THE CRIMSON STAFF

Published: Tuesday, April 24, 2012

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Last week, the Committee on Undergraduate Education met to discuss possibilities for restructuring academics at Harvard. One of the issues discussed was a proposal to extend the number of times classes might meet by decreasing the length of finals week. This would be done by holding evening exams in addition to the current morning and afternoon exams. We firmly believe that a change of this type to the final exam calendar would be unproductive, as well as destructive to students’ mental health and academic achievement.

The current final exam schedule includes a morning and afternoon exam each day for eight days of final exam period. Although some students do occasionally take two exams on the same day, it is generally rare for students to have two exams or more in a row. This new proposal, set forward by Dean of Undergraduate Education Jay M. Harris, would condense final exam period into six days; however, it would also add a third, “evening” exam slot.

Currently, final exams take place either from 9 A.M. to 12 P.M. or 2 P.M. to 5 P.M. We expect that an evening exam could take place from 7 P.M. to 10 P.M., in order to give students sitting both afternoon and evening exams the chance to eat dinner.

We are very concerned about the effect this exam schedule would have on students who already become considerably stressed during the current exam schedule. Although no one would be required to take three exams in one day, more students would face two exams in the same day, and some students could seemingly be required to take one exam that ended at 10 P.M. and another that started at 9 A.M., leaving them very little time to sleep, eat, and study in between exams.

FULL ARTICLE

RYS Flashback. Six Years Ago.

Someone Is Worried About the Future of America 

I try very hard to accept the modern student. I've been teaching for almost 30 years now, and still remember the halcyon days when students actually dressed for class, when they arrived on time, and took part in class actively. These notions are apparently completely outside the bounds of what the modern student thinks to be civil or possible, so we get what we get. And I've modified my teaching in all the ways I've been told I must. I offer entertaining classes. I challenge them less. I hand out grades like they were Halloween candy; students get them for just ringing the bell.

But last week's 3 pm Business Communications class about did me in.

• B walked in carrying a Sports Illustrated and a muffin, but no paper, pen, or textbook. 
• C took her shoes off as soon as she got into the room and put her bare feet up on a neighboring desk. 
• D, and this was not unusual, arrived in "pajama" bottoms with Spongebob Squarepants all over them. 
• In the middle of class, E wondered if we might go outside and sit on the grass because it would help her "concentrate better." 
• F said, apropos of nothing going on in class, "Man, those Chinese are really getting powerful." 
• G laughed out loud once during my lecture, and when I peered over to see what had happened, saw a wide open newspaper on his desk. 

I'm not saying that this is typical, or that the modern student has doomed us all, but is there anyone out there being successful in getting students to take class seriously? It seems that the only time I can get my students' attention is when I holler "midterm exam" or "final exam." And even then it takes a bad grade to get them motivated and willing at least to argue about that.

Some of these students are seniors, presumably on the cusp of entering the world, being in charge, taking over, leading whatever will be the future of the country. Am I the only one worried?

Proffie 1, Robo-Reader 0

In the ongoing saga of proffie vs. machine, score one for the proffies.  According to a New York Times article by Michael Winerip, Les Perelman of MIT managed to fool ETS's e-Rater with an essay that hilariously mashes-up an argument claiming that high college costs are the fault of overpaid TAs and one in favor of the 5-paragaph essay.  The essay includes the following paragraph:

Pip

Teaching assistants are paid an excessive amount of money. The average teaching assistant makes six times as much money as college presidents. In addition, they often receive a plethora of extra benefits such as private jets, vacations in the south seas, a staring roles in motion pictures. Moreover, in the Dickens novel Great Expectation, Pip makes his fortune by being a teaching assistant. It doesn't matter what the subject is, since there are three parts to everything you can think of. If you can't think of more than two, you just have to think harder or come up with something that might fit. An example will often work, like the three causes of the Civil War or abortion or reasons why the ridiculous twenty-one-year-old limit for drinking alcohol should be abolished. A worse problem is when you wind up with more than three subtopics, since sometimes you want to talk about all of them.

The NYT article also includes useful links to recent coverage of a study claiming that machine scoring is about as reliable as human scoring.  Personally, I like Marc Bousquet's explanation in the Chronicle: the problem is that the humans are teaching overly-mechanical genres in the first place, partly in response to standardized tests, and partly because they're easier for overwhelmed instructors to grade.