Captain Subtext's Theme Song—CM the Musical, Installment . . . oh, who cares?

(Proffies)

Snark! Fire! Margaritas! Red Ink! Smack!

GOOOOOOO SUBTEXT!!!!

With our powers combined—it's Captain Subtext!

Captain Subtext, he's our hero!

Takin' snowflake bullshit down to zero.

Common sense, done magnified,

He's fightin' on the proffies side.

Captain Subtext, he's our hero!

Takin' snowflake lyin' down to zero.

When they think we'll eat it all,

With Captain S., we see them fall!

(Snowflake)

"You'll pay for this, Captain Subtext!"

(Proffies, chanting)

We're the Subtexteers!

You can be one too!

'Cause layin' the smack is the thing to do!

Think you've pulled a fast one? Not today!

Here what Captain Subtext has to say:

(Captain Subtext)

"THE POWER IS OURS!"

Welcome to a brief history of Misery Part 2

The art of Misery

The denizens of College Misery are not just your average bloggers. We, and when I say "we" I mean "you", are artistes! Fall 2010 marked a veritable Renaissance period for blogging creative academic types. Poets, singers, glitterizers and cartoonists were popping up everywhere. Who could forget the hotcake-like sales of CM starving artist berets?

We must acknowledge the most prolific poet within our midst. She has, ... wait. Let me express this in a more proper form. Ahem.

All CM poets
bow down to Great Lakes Greta.
She writes bad haiku.

Hmmm. I probably should have stuck with prose.

Another poet to emerge on the scene around the same time was Richard Tingle, Ph.D.. He always seems so serious. I don’t think I’d have passed his class in college.

The forerunner of this explosion of creativity was College Misery: The Musical. Dr. Snarky’s efforts to bring us to Broadway almost worked out. If the roadies showed up on time and Strelnikov hadn’t borrowed the van to disappear somebody, we all would have made that audition!

Old-timers from RYS remember the vidshizzles of yore, but Cal and Fab actually made one that people liked. It still holds up well, I think.

Other student vlog compilations and lipdubs for seemingly every fricking school with a Department of Viral Videography followed this. For a while, we even made our own cartoons, or at least copied the link from YouTube which is almost as creative.

Last but certainly not least, a tip of the hat to Samantha, author of the best damn faculty-themed cartoons currently not syndicated. How does she do it? She helpfully explains here. There’s more of our very own Samantha Folkchurch’s Cartoon Guide to the Academy.

As somebody who has trouble rounding out a coherent top ten list, I am amazed by your willingness to step into the ring and present your creative work. You all have my admiration. Bravo!

It Came Upon Us at Midnight Here

CM: The Musical
Installment: “It Came Upon Us at Midnight Here”

It came upon us at Midnight here,
That glorious day foretold;
When Profs rejoice and Snowflakes fear,
Their final grades to behold.

The Profsters enter the grades with glee,
Forgetting every slight;
Like Snowflakes having to go pee-pee,
And dumbass e-mails at night.

“Oh, how did I get an “F” in class?”
The Snowflakes cried with despair;
“I know I did enough to pass,
Your rubrics are so unfair!”

The Profsters try not to take offense,
‘Cuz teaching is never a chore;
But, move along ladies and gents,
And whine and cry no more.

O’ everyone drink a cup of cheer,
Whilst Snowflakes suddenly take wing;
They’ve gone away until next year,
Let’s hear the Angels sing!

Inspired by Dr. Snarky.

Hark, the Harried Students Sing

Hark, the harried students sing:
It's time for... plagiarizing!
Final paper isn't done;
Guess I'll have to "borrow" one.
Topic: "broadcast media"?
Thank you, Wikipedia!
Hark, the harried students sing:
It's time for plagiarizing!
Hark, the harried students sing:
Easy, peasy, copying!

--

Hark, the harried proffies sing:
Who'd believe this spurious thing?
When I fail him, there's no doubt
That he'll curse, and shout, and pout.
Once it's back from Turnitin,
He'll tell lies to save his skin.
Hark, the harried proffies sing:
Students, stop plagiarizing!
Hark, the harried proffies sing:
Easy, to catch copying!

"All the snarky proffies!" From CM: The Musical

A certain infectious Beyonce song got stuck in my head today. And now, Dr. Snarky is pleased to present:

ALL THE SNARKY PROFFIES!
The new hit single from College Misery: The Musical.*

All the snarky proffies!
All the snarky proffies.
All the snarky proffies!
All the snarky proffies.

Now put your pens down
Out on the town, no need to frown
I got all my grading done.
Just checked my email, you saw that you failed...
Shoulda left my iPhone home.

I won't write back, won't cut slack
Don't pay you any attention.
Go drown in your tears up to your ears.
You can't grub a grade from me.

Cause if you want an A, you shoulda spent some time on it.
If you wanna A, you shoulda spent some time on it.
Don't be mad once you see an F or D on it.
If you wanna A, you shoulda just worked hard on it.
Uh-oh, oh.

* Yes, this can coexist in the same production as "Plagiarism!" We're pomo that way.

"Plagiarism!" the Breakaway Smash Hit from CM: THE MUSICAL

Whenever I catch another plagiarist, the joyous Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah rings in my head.

Plagiarism!
Plagiarism!
Plagiarism!
Plagiarism!

[etc, etc.... cuz when it came to lyrics, Handel did a lot with a little.]

I knew this jock would cheat on this paper.

[etc.]

The University rules
ARE THE RULES OF THIS CLASSROOM!
Oh, consequence; expulsion's next!

And ye shall fail forever and ever.

[etc.]

Cheat of cheats
And thief of words

[etc.]

Plagiarism!
Plagiarism!
Plagiarism!
[with a flourish:] Plagiarissssss--mmmmmm!

p.s. If any of you humanities people are music proffies, I would give you my KINGDOM if you set this to music.* (I'd do it myself, but unfortunately, I can't sing my way out of a paper bag.**)

*Extra credit available for submissions received in vidshizzle format.
**Note: the paper bag is my kingdom. Offer valid for a limited time. Only available in the contiguous 49 states. Sorry, Tennessee!

---

[Edited 7/17 to add: Ok, I just set up a creative commons license for this, so seriously--have at it!]


Plagiarism! by Dr. Snarky is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at collegemisery.blogspot.com.